How to Get Fat


Sometimes getting to where we want to be isn’t as straight forward as we plan out in our minds or as the internet leads us to believe. A lot of automatic behaviours and mindless actions mean that achieving goals in any area of life can seem impossibly difficult. Dieting for fatloss can seem like an endless battle for most. There are a thousand ways to do it and there are keyboard warriors and diet nazis everywhere you go, telling you there approach is best.

When I want to do something, I find it helpful to assess what it is that I do not want. The opposite of what I’m trying to achieve. What are the behaviours that will leave me up shit creek without a paddle? It’s more helpful than you think. Knowing what behaviours send you in the wrong direction can allow you to replace them with more productive ones.

For the record. I don’t really give a shit how you lose weight. You wanna do low fat? Vegan? High fat low carb? Ketogenic? Carb Cycling? Raw food? IIFYM? Intermittent Fasting? High protein? Low calorie? Cardio? Weights? Crossfit? Gluten free?

Really.. Whatever floats your boat & you enjoy is just fine and dandy by me. Just so long as you know that it’s not a miracle diet, just different ways of creating a caloric deficit. Disagree? Fight me.

 

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If I want to set myself up for fat gain, get all jiggly and such. I would employ the following practices. Not to say that anyone who gains fat does all of these. But these things are definitely contributing factors in the obesity epidemic.

Eat food that is hella tasty. A lot of it. Preferably high in fat/carbs/salt so it triggers the reward centre in your brain and you want more. Watch a lot of TV in conjunction with this, allowing you to consume more than you think.

carbrebel

Fatty foods are generally calorie dense, so you can eat a lot more without feeling like you are overeating. Donuts, chicken and waffles, Cakes, pizza, burgers with extra bacon and cheese, most fast food, desserts, candy, chocolate, Etc. The lower the micronutrients (vitamins/minerals), fibre and water content the better. That will make them less filling and easier to overat.
Drink your calories. Soda and juices can add a lot of calories to your day, as well as breakfast milkshakes aka Starbucks concoctions.

starbucks-japan-tiramisu-frappuccino

>These orgasmic caffeinated creations are like crack.

Drive everywhere. Walking is for mere mortals. Sit or lie down for most of your day to avoid burning extra energy. If you do have to move, be sure to do it at a snails pace. Better yet, get someone to carry you or use a people mover.

Try to avoid social events, human interaction and anything that may be deemed as having fun. These types of activities make you happy so you won’t feel as inclined to eat more.
Don’t prioritise sleep. If you are sleep deprived you will not only be primed for fat gain but you’ll also have more time to eat.

Avoid foods that have high fibre or water content like fruits and vegetables. They’ll give you a bunch of nutrients and make you feel full, which will make you less likely to overeat.

Lean proteins should be replaced with salty fatty lower protein options like dollar pizza with extra pepperoni. Adding cheese and bacon to everything and then deep frying it in batter is suggested.

Drinking alcohol won’t make you fat in itself. But consuming several tasty, tasty high calorie alcoholic beverages, then drinking said beverages in your apartment with your dog that you don’t walk, and then drunk ordering from seamless will. While your waiting for you seamless order to be delivered, place a second order because you realise you are extra hangry. All that internetting is thirsty work. A full fat chocolate milk spiked with rum is a better option than water. It will help wash down some cookies and/or cupcakes while you wait for your order.

In fact, never drink water. Hydration makes you feel good, dehydration makes hungry. Hungry equals higher chances of snacking. Take poptarts and other convenient snacks that require little to no preparation so that you have an snack whenever you think of food.

Avoid gyms and any fitnessy types. They will only try and pull you in to their good habits of exercising and feeling good. Feel good endorphins are not on the menu. We don’t need any happy people trying to make us feel good. That ain’t livin. Confining yourself to your home will allow you to avoid getting involved in any entertaining or enjoyable activities and give you more time to eat. If you get bored, just fix a snack and troll people online. Particularly people who are doing better than you, bring them down a few notches so you can feel better about yourself.

Location is important. An area that has lots of preprepared convenience food and fast food that is both cheap and open for 24hr delivery or drive through is optimal. The more the better. Because having lots of choices will mean your tastebuds will always be craving more.

If you do choose to socialise, make sure it is for a large thanksgiving size feast. Regardless of the occasion. Associating only with those who detest fitness and kale will aid in further exacerbating your weight gain.

If you drive or watch TV, have a car and tv snack stash. If you can get to work from home so you can do less walking and eat in private where you won’t feel awkward eating more, do that.

Incorporate exercise by walking to the fridge, squatting down and selecting snacks (nothing that you have to make, ain’t nobody got time for that). Avoid that pesky sunlight and outdoorsy BS. Who needs vitamin D anyway. You don’t need to risk human interaction. Too much effort. Sexual encounters are cardio and you hate cardio. Meeting wonderful humans might make you reconsider your bulking lifestyle altogether. Instead just acquire multiple cats. But not the judgey kind.

meow

The first step is admitting you have a problem. Instead of looking to blame external sources and waging war on villains like sugar, fat, toxins and den nasty chemicalz.. Consider that the obesity epidemic is a complex and multifactorial problem. Oversimplified solutions are rarely useful, and for some can make getting going in the right direction more difficult than it needs to be.

If you know someone trying to lose weight and improve their life, try not to be a dick. They probably don’t want to know your opinions you formed while watching YouTube or googling “foods that will definitely give you butt cancer”. Your passive aggressive, condescending comments may be part of the problem. Try to be a good human. Do the right thing. Just because they want to feel better about themselves, doesn’t mean they think they are better than you. If it makes you increasingly aware of your insecurities, no need to take it out on others.

joesmainpizza

If you want to lose weight. Try doing the opposite of the above example.

You don’t have to feel ready to start. In fact you will probably never feel ready. Not unlike anything worthwhile in life, take the leap and you shall reap the benefits.

– wake up and get some sun exposure, a quick walk outside usually makes your whole day brighter.

– hydrate. Water makes you feel alive. Especially if you aren’t getting enough of it.

– eat mostly satiating whole foods

– don’t snack mindlessly, appreciate your food, cool meals at home when possible using whole foods

– have fun, do the things that make you forget to poop/eat/drink/sleep

– fill your life with people that make you feel alive. You are the sum of who you spend time with most.

– try to move your feet when possible, bike or walk if you can, enjoy the fresh air and sunlight. (Unless you live in Australia, in that case you better be a good sprinter so you can outrun the birds trying to swoop you).

– don’t fear food. Enjoy it and appreciate it. Eat with people who do the same.

– find the type of exercise that you enjoy most. You might have to try a few different things before you find your jam. Stick with things long enough to find out. Everyone sucks before they get good at something.

– keep your diet simple and consistent. Don’t freak out or overcomplicate it. The best diet is one you can stick to (without hating life).

– probably don’t get a seamless account. If you don’t know what that is, it’s for the best. No, don’t google it, it’s a slippery slope.

– eat fruits and vegetables. Just do it.

– if you have a dog, walk that fucker. He loves you to death and he freakin loves walks. So you better make time to walk him every damn day. If not, you probably don’t deserve the awesome responsibility of canine ownership.

– do new things, meet new people, go on dates, have a life.

– sex. It’s good for you.

– don’t put moral values on food. No one food will make you fat in moderation

– if you are stressed up to your eyeballs maybe try some yoga or mediation. It helps.

– don’t overly restrict food and squeeze the fun out of life so much that you end up binge eating, ugly crying out of pain/shame and hating yourself. Restriction and guilt around food often make matters worse.

– remember that your weight does not determine your self worth. If people don’t like you, it’s probably because of your terrible personality, losing fat and being healthy is good, but don’t forget that other stuff matters too.

– Never in a hurry, never worried, never stopping short. (I stole this quote from a Ryan Holiday book because it pretty much sums up the theme of what your fatloss journey should taste like. (Ryan Holiday, The Obstacle is the way)

– Never quit.

 

This has been a public service announcement by Dell Farrell. Thank you & I love you.

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